Pottery In Motion
by notsosolemnly
Summary: The chaps make a golem because why not.
1. Chapter 1

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 1

The egg timer rang. The chaps put on their oven mitts and pulled their golem out of the Arts & Crafts furnace.

"Looks done," said James, but remembered to insert a wooden skewer to be sure. It broke.

Professor Ross, who taught Magic Arts & Crafts, came in to see how the chaps were doing, bringing his smile and ill-fitted afro.

"Everyone's finished painting their nans now. How's your golem coming along?"

He looked up and down the golem, looked at it from different angles and sides.

"Looks cooked, texture's good...," He knocked on a couple of areas of the body and listened closely. "You get an A," he finally said.

"Is that A as in Awesome?" Sirius asked.

"If I remember the point system, it's A as in Absolutely Horrendous."

"What's so horrendous?"

"It's a cliché. You basically copied the golem from the German silent movie The Golem. It's clumsy and awkward. You broke no real boundaries here. I was expecting more creativity and originality from you. Furthermore you're lagging. The others have already started to animate their nan portraits. You just took you golem from the oven to cool."

"We will animate it today," said James.

"Very well. Don't forget that I already signed you up to enter the international Young Crafters contest. That was hasty of me."

It sure had been but the chaps weren't going to let him down.

"Anyway, time to wrap up."

Professor Ross left the furnace room, leaving the chaps to not bother tidying up tidying up after themselves and discuss animation methods. Apparently there was more to it than simply sticking a note in the mouth.

XXXXX

The sewers at midnight was a great place for both intermediate and advanced ritual making.

Having copied a symbol in a book onto the floor, all that remained was saying the enchantment.

"I mean, a challenge would have been nice, but there'll be others," said James.

"Maybe we're just that powerful," said Sirius.

The golem stood proud at the center of the symbol on the floor. They could start now, as soon as Remus finished reading blessings over a bottle of Evian.

"Ok a gallon each. It's refilling."

"And what if I refuse?" said Sirius, just 'cause.

"Then you'll go crazy from the evil, or burn from the inside or something, one of those anyway."

"Go crazy from the evil? You call this the fluff arts?"

"No."

Remus passed the Evian around so they could all swig a gallon each. After their swigs they felt rehydrated, peaceful and luminescent.

"Ok how do you all feel?" Remus asked, currently very well lit up by his own halo.

"Add a dab of lavender to milk and leave town with an orange," James replied, calm.

OK so now they were ready to procede. Although they were also a little too at peace to be motivated to do anything else than be the kings of their own calm kingdoms.

"Alright let us join hands and create some life," said Sirius. "Remind me again of the enchantment if you please."

"Ok the enchantment is as follows," said Remus, reading: _"_ Ceramic man, ceramic man, you're so fun in the sun."

Ok that appeared to be it.

"That was a crap enchantment," said Sirius.

"I didn't write it."

It was easy to remember, 'though.

And so the chaps seized one another by the hand and said the enchantment three times, and each time they spoke the enchantment their halos shrunk a great deal, their calmness along with it.

Sparks shot from the symbol on the floor and gave the golem an electric shock so strong it woke up.

The golem roared, angry. The chaps hardly dared to breathe.

"Well now what?" said James.

"Feels like we forgot something," said Remus, pondering. Then he looked at his hand. "Oh, _that."_

 _"_ What?"

"I'm sure glad I brought _this."_

That was extremely handy indeed that Remus had brought a bow and arrow along. He attached a note to the arrow, aimed and fired. The arrow hit the raging golem straight in its mouth. It pulled it out, broke it in half and stomped on it, while chewing the note.

Then it swallowed it.

The golem bowed humbly to its creators and swore them its loyal services.


	2. Chapter 2

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 2

The time came a week later for the Arts & Crafts students to show Professor Ross and his ill-fitted afro their finished work.

"Yes very nice," he said, judging Mona Weed's acrylic portrait of her nan. "I like how your grandmother is knitting. However, the fact that the doily doesn't become larger does take away from the realism."

He was one to talk, with that afro.

Professor Ross carried on, offering a bit of praise and criticism to all of his portrait painting students.

The chaps weren't the only ones having created a golem, however. As it turned out, so had Cas and Mac.

Their golem was very clearly a female because it had boobs (and the chaps would hear nothing else from trams-people), and it was very pretty and delicate like a mannequin. However, the chaps felt that it lacked the crude and clumsy look of a proper horror golem.

It wore a fring-y gold dress and a black braided wig. The girls had not skimped on the eyeliner either.

"We call her Clayopatra," said Cas. "Clayopatra, sew!"  
Clayopatra sat down by a sewing machine and threaded it. Succesfully threading a needle without crushing it was apparently all it took for Professor Ross to be impressed.

"Very nice work. O+."

"Is that O as in Oh No?" asked Mac, worried.

"No, it's O as in Oh you have blown my mind!"

Then the turn finally arrived to the chaps and their golem. Professor Ross had to step over several chairs that Clayton had broken trying to sit to get to them.

"Classic look," he said. "Does it obey commands?"

"Of course it does. Look," James replied.

Sirius took a record from its case, put it on a turntable and placed the needle on the desired track, while Remus provided Clayton with a top hat and a cane.

 _Putting on the Ritz_ crackled through the speaker. Clayton tore holes in several canvases tap dancing through them.

"I give you B," said Professor Ross.

"Is that B for Brilliant?" James asked.

"Or Beautiful?" said Sirius, putting his hand over Remus's face.

"Sorry, I haven't gotten hang of the Hogwart's grading system yet," said Professor Ross. "That's B for Bloody Awful."

Done with the chaps and their golem, he continued with the remaining students and their shattered portraits.

"What's his problem?" James asked. "It looks and acts the part!"

"Don't feel bad," said Cas. "It's a fine golem, but it's not very innovative, is it? Just your regular run-o'-the-mill stereotype of a golem. We sculpted an Egyptian queen and gave her really delicate fingers."

"Well ours does balloon animals, too," said Sirius. "We just wanted to get the reference out of the way. Right? You said you were going to teach it do do balloon animals."

"Well..," said Remus.

"Or bubblegum-animals, whatever."

"It went fine, once I found a good oil."

"Maybe that's what it takes to get a B in this class," said James and whistle for Clayopold to return.

Remus oiled Clayopold's clumsy hands and provided him with a balloon sized chunk of bubblegum. When Professor Ross came back to watch the trick he was held under the presumption that it was a regular balloon, since balloons were frailer and the bubblegum was virtually un-burstable.

"Very impressive," he said when he held the bubblegum-poodle in his hands. "I've always wanted to learn to do a bicycle. Perhaps I'll raise your grade to...to..."

When Professor Ross tried to put the poodle down he found it to be hopelessly glued to his hands and the table. Trying to break free with all his might just had him toppling backwards, getting his head stuck in a vase and the table broken into firewood.

The mark was not raised.


	3. Chapter 3

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 3

By the next day some of yesterday's disappointment with the low mark had subsided, for such was the magic of Fridays.

The chaps were just lingering in the Great Hall after lunch when Cas came over with her arms full of records.

"Mac and I have decided to throw a party for Clayopatra and Clayopold," she explained, making some room on the table where she could spread out her hit collections. "I thought I'd play these. What do you think?"

Sirius glanced very unimpressed at _Hit Parade -72._

"Why does Sylvia's Mother have to be on _every record ever?"_

"You're exagerrating."

James had a look at the record tracks. "Top of the Pops: Puppy Love, Sylvia's Mother...," he shoved it aside. "The Greatest Hits of the World 2: Sylvia's Mother..." Sigh. "Why do records lie to me?"

"I don't _care_ just get Dr Hook and his 40 cents out of my ears already!" said Sirius.

Thankfully Cas began to collect her records again, to spare the chaps further pain.

"So, you all in?"

"In what?"

"The party!"

"Party what party?"

"The party I just told you about, the golem party! Or do you have 'French tutoring', as you like to put it..."

"Or _where_ you like to put it..," said James.

"Put what?" Sirius asked.

"Put you _40 cents."_

"That is never going to catch on."

"Did the operator say 40 cents more, oh God, more?"

Sirius leaned forwards. "I always have an extra 40 cents for you, if you want some."

"Ok that's just weird."

"Just tell me where to put them."

"So, Cas, do you need us to bring something to the golem party?"

"Yes, it's what I came over for," Cas replied. "Could you bring booze?"

"Sure no problem."

"Spiffing! Tomorrow at nine then, at the old roller rink."

Cas left.

"Hey," said James. "Seeing as this party is for our golems, maybe we should get them a present."

"I know just the shop!" said Sirius, enthusiastic.

"You will turn anything into an excuse to visit that dirty shop but what do they have for golems? Come on!"

"What's your idea then?"

"I don't know... Perhaps a grunt-phrase book, if there's such a thing."

"They have that at the new big corporate book shop, Castles & Peasants," said Remus. "Right beside the encyclopedia teas."

"Why do they have teas is it because it's one of those flashy book shops that's also a coffee place?" Sirius asked.

"It is one of those flashy book shops that's also a coffee place. This encyclopedia tea has bits of encyclopedia pages in it, so when you drink it you aquire that knowledge. There are language teas, too. An elocution tea, now that would be handy. They have some free samples but I didn't learn anything."

Sirius weighed the options against one another.

"So that's two great suggestions: a grunt phrase book for golems that can't read, or a tea that doesn't do anything..."

"Might as well get them an encyclopedia, I'm sure it beats drinking paper," said James.

"But the Kid's Alphabet Tea could teach them to read and golems are already accustomed to eating paper are they not?" Remus reasoned.

That was perhaps true but it was still no excuse to be so enthusiastic about paper tea, you'd think it was bubblegum-tea.

"If there was such a thing as encyclopedia whiskey, or encyclopedia rum..," Sirius thought.

During a brief moment of silence Peter saw his chance of making his presence known.

"Do you think I get to go to that party?" he asked.

"It's our party, too," said James. "So maybe."

"But you'll have to earn it," said Sirius. "by getting a rude item from the rude shop."

"I was jus asking, because I would rather not have to."

"Of course you don't have to get a rude item from the rude shop stand up for yourself already," said Remus.

"No, I mean if there's a way I won't have to go, in case it is expected, for even numbers or something..."

"Why don't you want to go to the party?" James asked. "It'll be cool, we'll make sure of it."

"With liquor," Sirius added.

"Because you will all want to play truth or dare and spin the bottle and I'd just look like an idiot. Never mind, I think I'm coming down with a flu anyway."

"You don't need to be even numbers for that," said James, puzzled.

"I'm sure Moony will want to stay out of sight of handsy women, too, so why don't you just DJ and have paper tea, then?" Sirius said.

"That ink is actually mildly intoxicating," Remus pointed out, exemplifying why encyclopedia tea was just an all around bad idea- because it made people lecture about the intoxication capability of ink and who the hell cared?

Then Sirius realised that he actually did care if he could get pissed on ink.

"Please go on," he said.

"This is just your sober self talking," James told Peter. "Truth or dare and spin the bottle is really lame, until you've had some of Sprout's rum."

"But what if I lose my judgment and make a fool of myself?" Peter asked, and it really seemed like he actually wanted to go, since he wouldn't let go of the subject already.

"So don't drink, then," said Remus. "Although maybe you can hold your liquor. I wasn't sure if I could or not, until I tried that bubblegum tea."

"That 'bubblegum tea' taught me that you couldn't hold your liquor if your hands were pitchers," Sirius recalled.

"I held it fine."

"The only reason you don't remember the utter havoc you wreaked is because you passed out, woke up with a hole in your memory and believed that you had simply confused months again."

"That's because you put amnesia potion in the tea."

"It wasn't amnesia potion. It was gin."

"You should go to the party anyway. If you don't, everybody is going to wonder where you are!"

Sure, Sirius thought.

"But I can't talk to girls!" Peter blurted out, blushing heavily.

Now it all began to clear up.

"Do you fancy somebody?" James asked.

"No!"  
"So why do you care about talking to girls?"

"Yeah what other reason is there to talk to them?" Sirius wondered.

But Peter just sighed, said never mind, forget it, and left to pick up some books in the dorm. .

Thank God that was over.


	4. Chapter 4

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 4

Saturday came around. The chaps wandered around that shady part of Hogsmead that was full off small cinemas that smelled funny and tiny shops with their stained curtains closed.

They stopped outside one such shop with a flickering sign that said HEXXX.

"That sounds rude," said Sirius, ever so slightly giddy.

"Let's go in, then," said James.

None of them had actually set foot in a rude shop before. It bore the alluring excitement that anything semi-forbidden would.

And so they entered the shop, expecting it to be like in the movies.

The door creaked. A wizard with a sleazy moustache greeted them.

"Good day young sirs!" he said theatrically and bowed. "I am The Shopkeeper, at your service!"

He wore a bowler hat as well so it was like walking into a sketch. All that was missing was a dead parrot.

"But there is a dead blow up doll, as well as inflatable parrots," James noticed among all the inflatable dogs and sheep. "Do you really expect to find something, or are you just that bored?"

Sirius ignored him. A man in a trenchcoat and sunnies stopped by to look through the magasines. Sirius went up to him.

"Excuse me, sir, but aren't you a friend of my father?"

The man put the magasines back clumsily.

"Hm no you must confuse me with somebody else..," he mumbled and hurried out of the shop.

A few more potential costumers stopped by, and Sirius put them all through the same treatment.

"Are you from my neighbourhood?" he asked another wizard who was studying and inflated sheep very closely. He disappeared faster than a popped balloon.

"I must ask you not to bully my costumers," said The Shopkeeper.

That would be easy now that there was nobody left to bully. James kicked the sheep out of the way.

"I don't get it," said Remus, repulsed. "Just... _how?"_

"How what?" Sirius asked. "You're the inflation expert, isn't this right up your alley?"

"How can anybody be this desperate?"

"How do you clean them, that's what I want to know," said James.

"It's plastic, I'm sure it rinses easily."

Following the shelf they came to another rude type of item they had definitely heard of and found more amusing in reality than they had thinking of them.

"Wow look at all the lollies!" Peter exclaimed, marvelling at the assortment that came in different sizes, colours and even flavours, strangely enough.

"Vanilla! Pear! Peach! Strawberry! Lemon sherbert! _Megalarge_ lemon sherbert!"

There were weird flavours, too, like earwax. The manufacturer had the decency of not keeping the costumers in the dark, hence why some also glowed, another strange feature for a one-purpose item such as this.

"Bubblegum," James noticed.

"Liquorice," Sirius noticed and ripped a box open to try it.

"You know what I think you just came here for yourself."

"I wouldn't be the first person to come here for myself!"

Pa-dum-tish.

"Check for paper flavour, will you? We're here for the golems."

There seemed to be no paper flavoured lolly.

The Shopkeeper came over.

"Can I help you at all?"

"Do you have something for golems?"

"Depends on what the golem is into, doesn't it? Follow me."

The chaps followed The Shopkeeper to the magasine stands by the door, where he handed them the latest Playbeast.

"A golem is this month's Miss Dark Centerfold," he said. "Hubba, hubba."

This month's Miss Dark Centerfold wasn't just a woman dressed up as a golem, like last month's Miss Aroo (that non-tufted tail had really been a giveaway), but a very modellesque woman sculpted entirely from clay. The real question was if she appealed to other _golems,_ and their male golem preferences.

"You can't go wrong with a good book," said The Shopkeeper, showing the chaps the dirty literature next. "The I Don't Bite Hard series is not just for the ladies."

"Some of the girls want to read it for the book club," said Remus. "I heard it was rude, but not this rude."

"Then you will need a copy," said Sirius.

"There's no way we'll read it, because it's rude."

"But just think, if the book girls read it, if they knew about you they would think you were really tough and masculine, instead of effeminate and weak."

"...Do you really think so?"

"Pfft no of course not there are limits to what people are prepared to believe!"

"So," said The Shopkeeper, waiting. "Have you decided?"

"No," said James. "Let's just leave."

"Hey can I borrow your mirror real quick?" Remus asked Sirius.

Sirius reached inside his pocket and when he did so a whole bunch of extra small rubbers fell out.

"I guess you found something of interest, young sir!" said The Shopkeeper. "I know it can be embarassing to buy rubbers but I just can't let you get away with this."

"I wasn't shoplifting," said Sirius. "If I was you wouldn't notice."

The Shopkeeper wasn't convinced, probably all too accustomed to people being to embarassed to have their rude things registered at the counter.

"Unless you buy those, or say you're sorry, I will summon aurors," he said.

"Cuff me up and call me Dolly!" said Sirius, putting his wrists out.

"You know you could say it without meaning it," said James.

"Slippery soap doesn't scare me!"

"He is very sorry," said James to The Shopkeeper.

"It's quite alright. Off you go, then," said The Shopkeeper.

"No I'm not!" said Sirius, obviously very bored and off his meds.

Since the chaps were merely young wizard students, The Shopkeeper let them go anyway.

"I am shocked," said James, outside the shop. "Shocked at your poor shoplifting attempt."

"Moony planted those on me, of course, it's why he's giggled the whole time," said Sirius, pushing Remus in the chest so he'd stop giggling. "Don't forget that this time you started it."

"No you started it," said Remus with the same pinch of irritability.

"If you were out of rubbers you should have just said so."

"I don't know about you guys," said James, "but that alphabet tea doesn't seem like such a dull idea anymore."

The chaps hopped inside the nearest floo station and came out in Saltshaker Street seconds later, just outside that fancy book shop that was also a coffee place.

Java mingled with nicotine in the people-heavy building. The chaps had a quick lookaround before examining that assortment of encyclopedia tea, which they found close to the geography literature and Rosetta stones.

There really was a tea for every subject and legal spell but the top sellers were the women-teas that taught cooking, sewing and thelike.

"How do they make it?" Remus wondered, drawn to the Oboe Oolong.

"Why don't you ask the staff? There's a lady," said Sirius, pointing to a witch wearing the Castles & Peasants robe. Then Sirius went to the coffee shop and asked for a cup of hot water.

"Stuffing my pockets with rubbers was very cute," he said as he and James returned to the teas. "I mean, a litter of kittens opening their eyes for the first time just doesn't begin to compare."

He put down the cup, pinched some Speech Manipulation Masala from a decorative tin jar and stirred it in the hot water with his wand.

"This must be how parents feel when their baby say their first word. It might not seem like a big deal to an outsider, because it's never a proper word anyway, but I suppose observing a a person's learning curve does warming things for the soul, when you're a major influence." Sip.

"But not as much as a nice cuppa, 'though, am I right?" said James.

"I wouldn't know are they warm? I thought those were cold blooded."

They watched from a distance Remus finally get hold of a worker. Sirius shut his eyes very tightly.

"Excuse me," he said to her.

"Yes?" replied the witch,

"Could you get back in the kitchen, please?"

James's mouth fell. Beside him Sirius was laughing quietly. Then he shut his eyes tightly again.

"Pardon?" said the witch.

"Could you get back in the kitchen, you woman?"

The lady just stared at Remus, shocked and angry.

"If you talk to me like that again I will get the supervisor," she warned.

"Yes go and get a man will you you're being hysterical."

The witch just couldn't believe this rudeness. Sirius bit into his fist, shaking. James decided he wanted some of that tea also. Another witch in staff robes came along.

"Is everything ok here?"

"Who the fuck are you?"

Blank stare. "I am the supervisor!"

"Very funny, little lady. Why don't you calm down and get the _real_ supervisor?"

"Another sexist word from you, Mister, and you're banned, do you hear?"

"Woah, somebody forgot to take their ibuprofen!"

The supervisor wasted no time; the wand slipped into in her hand and she disappeared Remus from the shop, while James and Sirius were wet from tears and spilled tea. It wasn't until the supervisor found out they had been drinking tea they hadn't payed for that they pulled themselves together and saw themselves out, ending up forgetting about that alphabet tea entirely.

Remus hadn't hung around waiting for them but he hadn't made it too far.

"You know, you were right," Sirius told him when they caught up. "It's not the tea, but the stuff you put in it."

"I can't believe you got me banned!"

"You were going to let aurors get me!"

"No, you were going to let aurors get you!"

"I don't even know why you act so pissy when you started it..."

"No you started it!"

"How?"

But Remus refused to say.

"Does anybody care to enlighten me? Anyone?" Sirius asked.

"Just a guess but could it be because you called him effeminate?" James suggested.

"Well what's wrong with being effeminate?"

"There's nothing wrong with being effeminate," said Remus. "You might equate girliness it with weakness, but there's nothing wrong with that either."

"I don't equate girliness with weakness. But even if I did I don't see why it's offensive to you. If I equated awesome with weak, would you take offence if I called you awesome?"

This was where Remus saw it fit to not participate in the conversation anymore.

"No answer, huh?"

"I don't speak Dumb."

Perhaps it was best to forget about that present and just get the booze.

And so the chaps set course towards that shady part of Hogsmead, were bins were always tipped over, bums always tripped over and everything seemed to smell of badger.

Smell of badger?

How did they even know what badger smelled like?

"Look, a badger!" said Peter, pointing at a little badger sniffing its way towards them.

Badgers, here? How unusual.

Peter squatted down, about to pet it, when the little badger bared its teeth and growled, and then chased Peter away.

Fletcher came running around the corner, panting heavily.

"Where's Jolly has anybody seen Jolly?"

"Who's Jolly?" James asked.

"Remember that one time when I got a pet badger? And the other time I got another pet badger? Well, somehow I wound up with a whole lot of badgers! So I've been taking them out for walks, but they keep running away. First Captain Hook, then Roger and now Jolly. I only have Redbeard, Long John Silver and Squire Trelawney left now."

James recognised some of the names from a really crappy animated adaptation of Teasure Island with really awkward musical numbers.

"I was going to sell them anyway," said Fletcher. "Did you know that badgers grow? 1 wizard penny each, how about it?"

"I'll just have the usual," said Sirius.

"Alright, but are you sure you don't want to try something new? I have some great stuff!"

He whipped out a paperbag. "The trips, oh, they're just way out there! You won't believe it! Great, great stuff!"

Sirius looked in the bag. "Tickets to Hull?"

"Woopsie I need those!" said Fletcher and took it all back. "You know that Ticket To Ride is about drugs, right?"

Of course. Anyway, Fletcher took out another paperbag from his muddy pockets.

"This stuff is really new and it will blow your mind. The main compound is hexatetraproxymol, but on the street we just call them 'crickets'."

The second bag, it turned out, contained a ticket as well. A ticket to Guadeloupe.

"Nice," Sirius approved.

"Why are they called crickets?" James asked.

"They're called 'crickets' because it rhymes with 'tickets'. Rhyming boomerang, me old china doll. You eat a 'ticket' and you will think you're in Guadeloupe!"

"Wow!"

"Hey this ain't charity pay up!"

And so, somewhat reluctantly, Sirius handed him next week's French assignment and licked the ticket to Guadaloupe. Fletcher studied the text, dreamily, and had a go at some of the phrases.

"Ah, mon cherie..," he said, and then read (as best he could): " _Va te faire cuire le cul."_

"What does that mean?" James asked.

"It means: My dear, you are as fair as the cold."

"And what does _that_ mean?"

"It's colloquial. The French have lots of unusual expressions. For example: they don't say 'to dance like nobody's watching', but 'to dance like a seal is biting them in the heals'."

"I don't think they have seals in France, but I don't know that for a fact."

"Don't be racist. They have zoos, don't they? Or the zoo's chefs would have no work, isn't that right my Lutetian princess?"

Fletcher began to snog a tipped bin, calling it Givmelix, while Sirius crawled inside another and mistook an old can of tizer for a margarita, and a snoozing bum for a pleasure cruise.

"So, Fletch," said James. "There's going to be a party tonight at the roller rink. You in?"

"Count me in, I am the party king," Fletcher replied.

"Splendid. Then we're counting on you to put your rum magic to good use."

"I could do that..," said Fletcher, scratching his chin. "But I prefer Sprout's vintage crate rum, if I'm honest. Sure, my rum magic is great and bubblegum's got nothing on it, but actually drinking the stuff sort of takes the metaphorical magic out of it. You know? What's rum, without the treasure maps, ship wrecks and looting?" He turned to Remus. "Isn't it the same for you?"

"What is?"

"Well, isn't half the fun of bubblegum turning the knob on the bubblegum machine and hear the gumball roll roll down from the big ball on top and click against the flap, wondering what the colour is going to be?"

"No."

Liar.


	5. Chapter 5

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 5

The evening fell, the party started. The old Hogsmead roller rink, abandoned due it its close proximity to the Screaming Shed, got to serve as the designated secret party location as usual. The ice rink became the perfect dance floor for people with roller skates and without, and two other examples.

Cas was just rounding up a speech dedicated to Clayopatra.

"To Clayopatra, darling!" she said, raising her papercup of rum and cola. "To your beauty, your intelligence and style!"

Because most people were already drunk, they applauded, whistled, and then went back to what they had come for: relentless partying.

"Don't you want to say a few words?" Cas asked the chaps.

"Nah," the chaps replied, working on getting themselves shit faced.

"Where is Clayopold anyway?" Mac asked.

Good question. The chaps only just realised they had forgotten to bring their golem. Remus checked the palm of his hand but could not make out anything from the inkish blur. His other hand said: check your hand.

"We sent him to get McGonagall's whiskey," said James. "But he's taking his time. Anyway, you got a little something..."

Remus fingered an ink-free spot on his face with his inkish fingers. "Here?"

"No, just a little to the left..."

"Here?"

"Only a little above..."

"Here?"

"And below your nose, Exaactly."

Thunder cracked and lightning flashed outside the windows, which was unexpected, illuminating the horrid visage of a monstrous golem outside. Some screamed and fainted. The chaps went outside to ask Clayopold if he had the whiskey.

"Hey what's up where's the whiskey?" Sirius asked.

"Curse be upon you, my creators!" Clayopold roared.

"Woah calm yourself," said James. "What's the problem?"

"I tell you what the problem is! You made me in this horrible visage and sent me out in the world alone!"  
"We did our best," said Remus.

"And we sent you to McGonagall's chamber," said James.

"The towns people scream when they see me and run away!" cried Clayopold and put a clumsy hand to his forehead. "Oh pity me for I am chased by man! And so forth."

"We're sorry to hear that. But you're a golem, you can fight!"

"Oh, tell me what's the use of strength when one is all alone in the world? If only it had been in the stars for me to be a flower pot for then would I have the blossoms of a begonia grow from the soil that is the pain in my bosom and comfort me in my desperate solitude, but such was not the will of Lady Fortuna..."

The golem bowed his head miserably.

"What a fruity golem," Sirius muttered.

But Clayopold heard that, straightened the little neck he had and glowered.

"Make me a woman," he demanded.

"What?" Remus asked.

"Make me a woman or there will be hell to pay!"  
The golem turned and walked back into the forest that lied just across the road from the rink.

"I hate to say I told you so," said Remus.

"Sorry but I don't recall you predicting this would happen," said Sirius.

"I said let's not make it anatomically correct but you said no let's and spent ten weeks just giggling at medical books."

"So what? All we have to do is introduce him to Clayopatra. I thought that was going to be the purpose of the party."

But since Clayopold had gone now he would just have to be introduced to Clayopatra some other time.


	6. Chapter 6

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 6

The chaps took Clayopatra to Hogsmead square the next day.

A bonfire crackled, the occasion uncertain. There were a lot of women out today, James noticed, and they seemed angry. A bra whistled over his head and landed in the fire.

"Take that, oprpession!" yelled a topless witch.

Some witches were so eager to fire their bras they lit them before throwing them. One such bra landed on Clayopatra's head. She pulled it off, as well as her wig, and stomped the fire out.

"Crazy feminists could put somebody's eye out!" Sirius reproached.

"Fe-me-neests," said Clayopatra, trying that word for the very first time in her short life. "What is fe-me-neests?"

"Feminists are witches that want equal rights and stuff," James explained.

"Actually feminists are people that want equal rights and stuff," said Remus.

"They tend to be women, though."

"Women do tend to want equal rights, that's true."

"Now you're just refusing to argue," said Sirius, disappointed.

"Hey, equal rights is fine by me," said James. "I just meant that it's women that tend to want to give themselves a special label for wanting equal rights. Personally I have no need to label myself."

James losened his Kenmare Kestrels scarf.

"E-qual-rights," said Clayopata.

"It means to be sick of your husband and your kids, and long for power and divorce," Sirius told her.

"'Sick of husband'. But woman is made to be a servant to man. You said so."

"Well not everybody agrees."

Clayopatra was fascinated by the feminists waving their signs and throwing their bras in the fire and singing woman empowering songs.

"I think it's irritating when people force their opinions on others," said James, picked up a flaming bra from the ground and flung it at a Swindon Swans supporter. "Swindon Swans suck go home! It's like, do these people don't care that children starve in Africa?"

"It's like, when will it end?" said Sirius. "It starts with wanting equal rights but ends with censorship. Well, if I want to call the disaster that is the public Floo system a right pain in the Mudblood it is my right to!"

"Hey mate not cool," said James.

"Don't touch my free speech you bleedin communist I jus want to be able to ride the Knight Bus without having mudbloods demanding they get to sit in the pure half, too! It's not enough that they force their opinions down my throat they want to contaminate my blood, too with their mud-born germs!"

Well this discussion had gotten out of hand.

"Hey where did Clayopatra go?" James asked.

"She removed her bra, flung it in the fire and ran off with the feminists," said Remus.

Oh well.

"Well Padfoot you surprise me," said James. "Is that how you really feel about mudbloods? I thought you were a rebel."  
"Being purist is just more punk rock now. Besides, I thought you'd understand."

"Feminists are extreme man-haters that want to kill us all!"

"Mudbloods are extreme purist-haters that want to kill me all!"

"But..," James stopped himself and calmed down. "Oh, I get it now. You're trying to teach me a lesson about not judging an entire group by a made up extremist minority! Very clever!"

"Erm... sure that's what I was doing..."

So now with Clayopatra having joined the feminists, the chaps would simply have to make a new golem from scratch.


	7. Chapter 7

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 7

It took two weeks to sculpt Clayopatra II and have her ready for baking.

"Looks good enough," said James and put down his toothpick. He had worked so hard on her nose, and it was quite a wonderful nose, truly a sight to be hold.

"Ok let's make it anatomically correct," said Sirius, and using a knife he went ahead and added the rudest bit of all.

Now done, the chaps were quite content with the overall appearance of Clayopatra II. Having modelled her after several centerfolds they were confident that she, too, had what it took to cover an issue of Playbeast some day.

"Maybe we should start over," said Remus.

"Ok let's start with you," said Sirius, holding the knife high.

"Just hear me out! Just... what if she decides she can do _better?"_

That was a fair point. Perhaps Clayopatra II was actually _too_ beautiful.

"It's her nose," James agreed. "It looks too good."

"She's not _that_ beautiful and there's not a lot of competition," said Sirius.

"A wise person once said," said Remus. "that there are perverts everywhere."

"I thought I said that."

"People do have all sorts of kinks," said James. "We all saw those rude magasines. People are truly weird and will get off on anything no matter how weird!"

Sirius put his hands over Remus's ears. "Will you show some sensitivity I mean he's right here!"

"I don't know what Miss Aroo was doing in Playbeast she wasn't even real where's the tuft man?"

Where indeed!

"Fine," said Sirius. "You think she's so hot some man with a fetish will come and snag her? That can be easily fixed, no need to start over."

Using a toothpick Sirius began to carve hairs on Clayopatra II's legs so she wouldn't get the idea that she could do better.

Now she was finally ready for cooking.


	8. Chapter 8

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 8

With their souls still a bit sore from last time the chaps decided to bring Clayopatra II to life the old fashioned way: by electroshocking it into her in the Chamber of Mad Science. James was chosen to pull the lever after a game of Ip Dip and now they were waiting with Clayopatra II in the Hogsmead forest for Clayopold. This was where he liked to write his poems.

The chaps shuddered in the cold, waiting for Clayopold to arrive at the appointed time.

Then he finally arrived, as miserable as ever.

"Took you long enough," said James.

"I was contemplating life," said Clayopold. "And getting French lessons from a blind man. Ah, _fous le camp."_

"What does that mean?" James asked.

"It's a fool's camp."

"What is?"

"It's colloquial, it refers to life as a fool's camp. The French have lots of unusual expressions. For example, did you know that they don't say 'c'est la vie' but 'give a bath to a seahorse'?"

"Well I'm glad you found a way to not be so alone: by hanging out with blind people."

"But then his camping family came a chased me away."

"Here you are, anyway," said Sirius, bringing forth Clayopatra II. "Your special lady golem friend. No intelligence guaranteed."

Clayopold didn't look as impressed or dazzled as the chaps had expected. Perhaps the hairy legs were too much of a turn off.

"Ok but will you make me a woman now?"

"Now that's just offensive, she's right here!" said Sirius.

"Isn't this what you asked for?" Remus asked.

"I suppose we should have asked for your preferences," said James.

"I did not ask for this at all!" cried Clayopold. "I want you to make a woman out of me!"  
Sirius began to point his finger between the chaps. "Ip, dip, dip..."

"You want to be a woman?" James asked, just to be sure. You couldn't be too sure.

"Yes I thought I made it very clear," Clayopold replied.

Remus turned away. "Permission to nag?"

"Ok but it's a penny in the jar from you," said Sirius.

"Is this transphobic?"

"What is? The fact that Clayopold wants to be a woman, or that you find it silly?"

"It's silly because it's a golem," said James. "As well."

"That's beastist. Here I thought I was the politically incorrect one."

"I have met so much phobia I don't even care anymore," said Clayopold sadly. "Just make a woman out of me."

"Why in the world would you want such a thing when being a man is so much better?"

"Because I want to have babies. Is there any other reason?"

"I didn't think so either."

"Golems can't have babies!" said James.

"How about we make you a seahorse?" Remus suggested.

"I don't want to be a bleedin searhorse!" Clayopold raged, because not once had he asked to be a seahorse.

"Just a suggestion, in case the thought hadn't ocurred to you..."

Then Clayopold actually gave it some thought, and decided that perhaps he could get accustomed to being a seahorse afterall, but a seahorse with legs.


	9. Chapter 9

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 9

In only a matter of weeks the news began to report of a horde of golems on a terrorising spree in Hogsmead.

It was absurd; who had ever heard of a flock of golems?

In any case, it was clear that the chaps needed to fix things, as usual, since they were responsible for the chaos, as usual.

Back in the Chamber of Wicca Rituals, the chaps were very ready to just say the upheaving enchantment and then go and play Pong as soon as possible.

They drew the appropriate magic symbol on the floor, just as before.

"The enchantmen is as follows:" said Remus. "'Golems are not so fun in the sun'. Ok let's hold hands."

"Why do we have to hold hands like poofs all the time?" James asked.

"Because it's Wicca it's what they do," said Sirius. "Women can get away with a lot more. Just be glad there isn't any tantric shagging involved. Right?"

"There isn't," said Remus, after first double checking. "But if you ever want to summon a succubus..."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Please wait until I've gone before you summon any succubi," said James.

"Why are you looking at me? _He_ asked _me."_

"Shut up so we can do this. I don't want to hold hands forever."

Holding hands and standing around the symbol, the chaps spoke the enchantment.

Flames arose from the lines of the symbol. An entire congress of seahorse-golems materialised at the center of it, Clayopolly among them.

"Hello," said he, or she.

"Don't you 'hello' us!" said James. "What do you mean by going on a killing spree after everything we've done for you?"

"People chase us with pitchforks so we thought the town would be better of without them."

You couldn't argue with that. But even so, they couldn't be allowed to continue.

"The sewers is your new home now," said Sirius, tauntingly. "You better stay here, or you will have a great fall... from a wall..."

But the golem-seahorsi were not scared in the least and upon realising the fire did nothing but harden them further for all future falls, they stepped right through it.

"Didn't you know the Humptus Dumptus?" James asked. "From Sunday Dark Arts school?"

Sirius cast the Humptus Dumptus on one of the golem, which left him completely drained by the time it even began to form a crack. After than he was too spent to crack another, swearing people were more frail. The golems were angrier than ever.

The chaps would simply have to run for it, like common chickens.


	10. Chapter 10

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 10

"Ok here we are," said James when he and the chaps stopped outside the Hogsmead hourglass Tim, the tallest building in all of Hogsmead.

They went inside and were instantly met by one of the Keepers of the Time. According to his tag he was called Mr Gimp and he had a peanut allergy.

"Hello sir can we have a tour it's for this project we have to do for school?" Jame asked.

"Certainly!" Mr Gimp replied and bid them to follow him.

The tour was extremely boring.

"Come this way and we can all sit down and see a movie about the invention of the minute," said Mr Gimp.

"We just want to see the top," said Sirius. "That's what our project is about. It's about the top of buildings."

"Oh?"

"Oh."

"It's true, because what is a tall building without the top?" said James. "The top _makes_ it!"

"I suppose so. Hogwarts students?"

"Of course!"

"I suppose it makes sense now. Ok, this way, please."

Mr Gimp shoved aside gates to a lift and shoved the chaps inside.

A wind blew at the top of the great Hourglass.

"The top of Tim is not like most tops," said Mr Gimp. "It's an extraordinary top. You see, it was none other than Anne of Cleves who-"

Sirius uncapped a can of snakes. "Peanuts? Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't see your tag there!"

Invisible peanut particles travelled through Mr Gimp's pores so his face and neck swelled. He losened is collar and backed towards the lift.

"No snacks allowed!" he wheezed.

Then he confiscated the can and hurried to get some medical attention.

"Peanuts, what can't it do?" said Sirius.

Doing Wicca rituals was boring now. The chaps drew the symbol, held hands, said the enchantment and waited.

Then, as soon as the angry golem-seahorsi had been summoned they had their murderous eyes thoroughly blinded by the most powerful light the chaps could master and toppled backwards, one by one falling from the great Hourclass to their shattering death.

"Phew, looks like we got them all!" said James, spent and just wanting to spend the rest of the day playing Pong.

"Wait. Look," said Remus.

Below them, Clayopatra II was clinging to a bra that had gotten stuck to one of the clock hands.

"Rrrraaah!" she roared, her manicured fingers clutching the side of the roof top.

Sirius stepped on them.

"My naaaaails!" cried Clayopatra II as she fell.

It looked like this would finally put an end to the entire golem episode.

It certainly would have, had a random stranger on a flying carpet not swept by and rescude Clayopatra II last minute.

Damn perverts and them being everywhere!


	11. Chapter 11

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 11

Meanwhile that Young Crafters contest that professor Ross had signed them up for was drawing ever nearer.

But they were without a golem now, and well sick of them, too. And there simply was no time to make anything new.

Which was why the Box of Random Crap would have to come out.

"How about the Malefactor's Magnet, we never use it," said James.

"No not that one," said Sirius. "Finder's Flashlight?"

No that was too good, too. Basically all their inventions were either crap or brilliant, with nothing in between. The brilliant inventions they wanted to keep to themselves, for if they were easily accessible to everybody they would lose a great chunk of what made them brilliant. And the crap inventions stood of course no chance at winning anything.

"Trekker's Thermometer. What did it even do?" Remus asked.

"It's basically another Finder's Flashlight, except I wouldn't hold that end."  
"How about something we never thought of a name for," James suggested. "Like this Yo-Yo here, that makes everything spin, or this tiny fan that freezes everything. Who'd have thought it would be so difficult to think of an alliterative name for a fan that freezes everything."

"Crap," said Sirius about a pair of binoculars that made things appear to be ridiculously far away.

It was a shame they never got around to finish those Decision Dice.


	12. Chapter 12

POTTERY IN MOTION

PART 12

The day came.

Students from schools around the world had come to participate in the international Young Crafters competition.

Three judges sat at the judge's table. Their assistant called for the contestants to bring therm their invention one by one.

The chaps waited on the side by the wall with the other hopeful inventors, watching two blokes from Hosenwurst, Germany, try their luck.

"What's this?" asked the center judge. "A pezz dispenser?"

"Aha!" said a very blonde German boy named Gunther. "It may look like a pez dispenser, but watch! Ludwig!"

His friend flicked the pez dispenser. A ray of light shot out from the head of Mickey Mouse, hitting the right judge in the stomach. The right judge covered his tape worm.

"And it's a pez dispenser," said Gunther and gave each of the judges a pez.

"Handy _and_ delicious!" was the center judge's verdict. "The best kind of magic! Thank you."

Gunther and Ludwig left, making room for Sheila and Barbie from Dingorashes, Australia, and their wardrobe.

"It's a Narnia wardrobe," said Sheila. "We have constructed a wardrobe that leads to another world! Look!"  
When she opened the doors to the wardrobe a girl fell out, covered in snow and in royal get-up.

After that the turn came to the chaps.

"And what do you have for us?" asked the center judge.

Remus put a bubblegum poodle on the judge's table.

"It's a balloodle," said James. "You know, if you think of getting a dog, which is a big commitment, why not have a go at a balloodle first?"

The balloodle walked, but awkwardly, and it would not stop yapping.

"Sit Oodle!" said James.

Oodle lifted a leg and weed on one of the judges.

"And that's it, is it?" asked the left judge.

They didn't seem too impressed. Sirius searched his pockets and found one of Cas's nudist pencil trolls.

"Honorable judges, do you feel unsafe walking the streets at night?" he asked.

The judges nodded.

"If you're sick from the pain in the neck you get from looking behind you the whole time, why not," Sirius removed his earring, attached the troll to it and then put it back. "have a troll on your ear? What's that? Is somebody following me?"

"Thank you that will be all," said the judges, very stern in their faces now. "I think they were last."

"My favourite was the belt that shrinks waistlines," said the right judge.

"Just to be sure," said James. "We won, right?"

"Of course you didn't stop wasting our time!"

"Ok just one thing..," said Sirius, eying the center judge closely. "Didn't I see you at that shop, with an inflatable sheep?"

The center judge's glasses fogged as his fellow judges looked at him, alarmed at what they were hearing.

"Hey look I reshaped it!" said Remus.

The balloodle was now a highly curvacious bubblegum woman that got stuck to everything and would not stop yapping and weeing everywhere.

And that was how they came to be declared winners!


End file.
